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Tis the season for a traditional Christmas Blockbuster film.

The UK’s track and trace system is searching the night skies. It spots an object far, far away. Then another and another: asteroids and heading straight at us.

The scientists are ushered into the PM’s office. Their modelling predicts multiple impacts and billions of deaths worldwide but the biggest asteroids are far away so there is time to act.

The PM consults other world leaders and agree the scientist’s plan for spacecraft to fire nukes at the asteroids to either destroy them or deflect them away from Earth. They decide to go public and announce the plan which is backed by the mainstream media and internet giants. In the UK the leader of the opposition comes on screen confirming full support for the PM plans but also putting on record that he would have done it earlier and better. The camera fades away with him sitting on a fence, next up is the ex-leader of the opposition suggesting an Israeli plot.

There is a communication blip when the US President admits to a senior moment, and no, he didn’t know what they were going to do with 300 million tubes of haemorrhoid cream.

Even though the Earth is in peril preparations are made harder by the woke media and celebrities concerned about the type of rocket fuel, space radiation and insistence the crew is representative of all ethnicity, gender, etc even though there were not enough spaces.

The scheduled launch is missed because of transport delays after some idiot installed cycle lanes near the launch sites and then the Spanish astronaut had to be removed after it emerged the Spanish had enslaved native Indians at Cape Canaveral centuries before.

But as the craft head off a small meteor tragically strikes two people out walking in Outer Mongolia. Alarm bells ring and the world is warned the asteroids are coming in waves and everyone is ordered to stay indoors; no risks can be taken. Families are kept apart, few go to work, world economies stagnate, health care is non-existent.

But many scientists around the world are concerned about the overreaction saying it was a random strike. They are small meteoroids not asteroids, will likely burn up in the atmosphere and if they get through could be tracked with advance warning given to minimise casualties. But their opinions, even those of Nobel prize winners are censored and those just getting their news from the mainstream media are oblivious to the alternative view.

When the spacecraft reach the asteroids the astronauts joyously report back ‘Houston we haven’t got a problem, the asteroids are not very big and not too much of a risk! Radio silence is ordered while the scientists and politicians ponder the situation. The decision is to save face, nuke them anyway and say their actions saved the world. The propaganda machine rolls into action, the Earth will shortly be under attack. Stay in or it could end in tiers.

A few meteors do get through the atmosphere but needing more to justify the lockdown, shooting star sightings are counted as near misses and any accident around the world is deemed to be a potential asteroid strike: so, the death toll mounts.

Many (but not the mainstream media) dispute the numbers claiming the economic carnage and resulting heath crisis of lockdown is more damaging than the threat posed by the asteroids. The politicians say they understand but few have ever run a business or had a proper job so the really have no idea and even when they have to admit that their predictions are made up they refuse to change course, some seemingly power crazed and start to wear military uniforms.

 

The danger finally passes and fortunately the toll of those actually killed or injured by meteors is relatively low. We see the world leaders proclaiming victory until the radio message from the astronauts is leaked!

Other than a few scapegoats the politicians are obviously absolved of any real blame at the enquiry but most are quietly put out to grass and the film ends with those funny extra shots of the leading characters in their new roles as characters on the Muppet Show.

Anyway, fortunately it’s only a film. It’s been difficult to make anything so stupid up.

Happy Christmas

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